Blog Freeze

So I have been running from an honest update on this blog for some time now. Reading the blog of my great friend Chip, has stirred me to action. Some use the “blog” as a platform to inform others of the latest life happenings, some use it as a public journal of personal thoughts/exploration, others may use it as a place to sound tough on issues they are passionate enough to write alot about, while often taking much less effort to turn the words into actions, etc…I probably have used it for all of those things. Further, most blogs I have read end with some kind of conclusion that gives the impression that the writer has mastered the issue(s) at hand and can come off a bit arrogant. I have probably done some of that too.

I am typically a “glass half full” kind of guy. Not lately. Things have been a tough go, while lacking many of the positive experiences and/or insights I mentioned above. Something I am realizing more and more everyday is that I am a product of a paradigm/culture that doesn’t very well embrace the reality of simply “being” who we are without having some kind of positive spin to it. Especially those that find themselves in religious leadership positions. If I don’t have some positive news, life experience or insight then why share it? Well, I am finding that this may be the most important time to share. I can often relate to the pain of real life in a much more profound way than I can relate to anothers’ success. Not that I am saying we shouldn’t celebrate and throw a party as a result of anothers success. We should. But I also want to be with others in the pain of the everyday in the same way that I need those closest to me to partner/share in mine.

These past few months have been full of relational tension, confusion, frustration/anger, hopelessness, passivity and depression. It is not necessarily the events of these past couple months that have led to this, but the illumination of past hurt that has surfaced. Not just ways that I have been wronged, but ways that I have wronged myself through unrealistic expectations. I feel as though I am going through a detox from this culture of “assumed/expected daily euphoria” that I had bought into and moving towards one of transparency, humility and service.

I have a pretty good idea what to blame for this extended time of introspection and revelation. Like never before, Janny and I have experienced a peace in our souls that affirms that we are uncovering and partnering in the Kingdom of God in a real way. It hasn’t come in the form of going to a church service or speaking/sharing only the ways God has “worked” in our lives. It has been through an acknowledgment of the ways He is “working” and asking us to better identify with those that may not have it all together…like ourselves. I’m not saying this peace has made it all easy or at times even felt worth while. But I have to assume that if God wants us to invite others into His Kingdom that raises up the weak, poor, hurting, broken…we must be able to relate. I must get a more true understanding of who I am in light of this Way of love and share with others in the midst of chaos.

I’ll save our latest life happenings(teaching, coaching, church, etc…) for the next blog. For now, I have thawed the Blog Freeze with some good old fashion honesty.