Blog Freeze

So I have been running from an honest update on this blog for some time now. Reading the blog of my great friend Chip, has stirred me to action. Some use the “blog” as a platform to inform others of the latest life happenings, some use it as a public journal of personal thoughts/exploration, others may use it as a place to sound tough on issues they are passionate enough to write alot about, while often taking much less effort to turn the words into actions, etc…I probably have used it for all of those things. Further, most blogs I have read end with some kind of conclusion that gives the impression that the writer has mastered the issue(s) at hand and can come off a bit arrogant. I have probably done some of that too.

I am typically a “glass half full” kind of guy. Not lately. Things have been a tough go, while lacking many of the positive experiences and/or insights I mentioned above. Something I am realizing more and more everyday is that I am a product of a paradigm/culture that doesn’t very well embrace the reality of simply “being” who we are without having some kind of positive spin to it. Especially those that find themselves in religious leadership positions. If I don’t have some positive news, life experience or insight then why share it? Well, I am finding that this may be the most important time to share. I can often relate to the pain of real life in a much more profound way than I can relate to anothers’ success. Not that I am saying we shouldn’t celebrate and throw a party as a result of anothers success. We should. But I also want to be with others in the pain of the everyday in the same way that I need those closest to me to partner/share in mine.

These past few months have been full of relational tension, confusion, frustration/anger, hopelessness, passivity and depression. It is not necessarily the events of these past couple months that have led to this, but the illumination of past hurt that has surfaced. Not just ways that I have been wronged, but ways that I have wronged myself through unrealistic expectations. I feel as though I am going through a detox from this culture of “assumed/expected daily euphoria” that I had bought into and moving towards one of transparency, humility and service.

I have a pretty good idea what to blame for this extended time of introspection and revelation. Like never before, Janny and I have experienced a peace in our souls that affirms that we are uncovering and partnering in the Kingdom of God in a real way. It hasn’t come in the form of going to a church service or speaking/sharing only the ways God has “worked” in our lives. It has been through an acknowledgment of the ways He is “working” and asking us to better identify with those that may not have it all together…like ourselves. I’m not saying this peace has made it all easy or at times even felt worth while. But I have to assume that if God wants us to invite others into His Kingdom that raises up the weak, poor, hurting, broken…we must be able to relate. I must get a more true understanding of who I am in light of this Way of love and share with others in the midst of chaos.

I’ll save our latest life happenings(teaching, coaching, church, etc…) for the next blog. For now, I have thawed the Blog Freeze with some good old fashion honesty.

Drawing Dragons

After walking into the Kindergarten class Jan was working in the other day, I immediately realized I was not cut out for elementary school teaching assignments. Yesterday, I taught elementary all day long…
We are not exactly in a place to get picky about what jobs are available, so when I heard that there was no middle school or high school jobs available, I bit the ugly bullet and took the elementary job.
I was what is called a “rover” in the substitute teaching biz, which basically means I cover a bunch of different classes for about 45 minutes each throughout the day. I subbed for 9 different classes. Couldn’t help but laugh at different contexts I found myself in over the course of the day. I covered a variety of classes from Kindergarten to 6th grade.

A couple of my favorites/most memorable were:

1. The little boy that wouldn’t stop turning his Lego creation’s into machine’s guns and running around the room like Rambo no matter how many times I told him guns were bad.
2. The little kindergarten girl who believed with all of her being that it was her job to tell me how the “Real” teacher runs the classroom. Including who and how to discipline.
3. The sixth grade boy who during “Sustained Silent Reading” chose the profound tutorial called “Drawing Dragons.” Yes, a step by step reading(with illustrations of course) on how to properly draw your everyday dragon.
4. The little guy who couldn’t help but tell me why every color of his jelly fish, which he had just finished making out of a coffee filter and water color paints, had so much purple in it.
5. Finally, playing heads up 7-up, pictionary and musical chairs with my last class of the day which had only about 11 kids of whom all spoke only a few words of English.

Some cute kids…but I STILL am not cut out to teach elementary kids.

Eyes from a Bike


sun is creeping in an out like and eel under its shelter. not hot, not cold there isn’t a better time to go for a ride. grabbing my “man purse” and throwing it over my shoulder i jump on my bike. fishing pole in one hand, the other focused
on keeping me going in the right direction. the neighborhood is still, on this Saturday afternoon. a car pass in the same way that the wind passes through my short hair. breathing in long breaths acknowledging the Kavod of my Creator. stress
forgotten from the suffering that was selling our Honda and hope streaming in at the thought of time alone followed by a night of connection with those that are closest to me.
slowling cruising on my cruiser, it seems that everyone has been injected with the drug of relaxation and peace. front porches full of husband and wife, friendly conversation and quiet gazes at the sky. there is so much to see when i allow my life
to slow down for a few minutes. it is as though others are looking for opportunities to smile and show their kindness as everyone of my “hello’s” was quickly returned with a wave or a “how you doing” accompanied by a gracious smirk.
riding down the jetty like a gymnast on a balance beam, endless sailboats to my left and afternoon strollers on the beach to my right. parking my bike above the jagged jetty rocks i traverse down to the waters edge and toss out my line with the hope of
catching dinner, but content to simply be in the setting i find myself apart of.
i feel my weight hit the bottom of the channel and i slowing work my jig back to my feet. occasionally a sail boat makes its way back into the safety of harbor, while fewer boats begin their voyage to sea. today, the sea is safe for the kayaker and the cruise ship as its surface looks like the glass table that my computer now rests on. no fish my first few casts, but i’m not disappointed. a mother and her duckling play in the water in front of me as they skim across the surface of the water on their hull shaped bellies. no doubt that the Creators plan is actively unfolding today. i walk my bike back up the jetty and chain it up against the “heavy waves” sign and step onto the beach to try my luck casting over the lightly rolling surf.
a tourist takes a picture of me standing with my rod in hand and line in the water…i give an awkward acknowledgment of her action. after a few casts with no luck i think i have hooked the monster…nope, it is apparently the largest clump of seaweed in the old seas’ history. my line snaps. apparently i am done fishing for the day and i walk back to my bike with a care free feeling. awkwardly climbing up a few rocks, while avoiding a two early evening lovers chatting/flirting nearby i unlock my bike and head back up the jetty towards home.

Los Ninos

So everyday for the past few weeks I have found myself teaching in the classroom for either middle school, high school or continuation school students. Of course, I am substitute teaching, so there is a very different mindset from the students when they walk into class and don’t see their regular teacher around. I remember the feeling and the thoughts when I would turn the corner, look into class and see a sub standing their looking a like seal about to be thrown into a shark tank. We would eat them alive. Now I am the seal and it is a unique experience.

Janny and I are both doing this as more or less an experiment. We are both considering going back to get a teaching credential/master degree, but thought this would give us a good picture of what teaching might be like. I don’t think it’s that great a sample because of the seal/shark dynamic that exists, but it has allowed me to wrestle with the stories of these students. As I have mentioned in detail in previous posts, Jan and I are on a mission to use all of our energy towards BEING the church and avoiding the temptation to use our energy to “put on” church once or twice a week as we have often felt obligated to do. With that mentality, I can’t help but think of the stories that lie behind everyone one of these insecure, hyper active and attention seeking teenagers. This is new territory for me and it puts me out of my comfort zone, which is leading/forcing me to some new insights that I had never wrestled with before.

Between earning the students attention, sending some to the participle’s office, dodging paper airplanes and sometimes wanting to run out of the room screaming, I am trying to keep in mind their stories. As I have some conversation with them, I am blown away by what they have endured and are currently enduring. Majority with broken homes, many with learning disabilities that they are too fearful to acknowledge, constant verbal abuse and all with a hopeless yearning for popularity and acceptance. Although I often receive my 6am phone call assignment with a poor attitude, I know I am in a place to live out Jesus and be the Church in more ways that I often think I am capable. I’m on a mission, but it is a lot harder and not near as pretty as I had originally imagined.