Until about 4 weeks ago, I had never really experienced loss. My mom went through breast cancer, but is now stronger than ever. I was too young to really feel the pain of losing 3 of my 4 grandparents. I suppose I should be grateful for that.
You don’t think anything is going to go wrong when you are in your 5th month of pregnancy. I was feeling more anxious about the delivery than Janny was, but neither of us were worried about not having the chance to at least meet our baby. By your 5th month, you are told that you are “in the clear” and by then everyone(and their mothers) know that you are pregnant. For some reason, our baby had a different story to tell. We are doing our best not to try to figure out what that story may be or why we are the ones to tell it, but we have experienced bits and pieces of it in the midst of the thick fog of grief.
– Janny and I got to experience the intense love of a parent for 5 incredible months. A love that we still have today and one that wasn’t fully realized until the moment we found out that Baby H’s heart had stopped beating. It was our child and we will always love it as its parents.
– This whole thing probably could have either driven Janny I apart or woven us closer together. It has done the latter and we are so grateful.
– We have realized more than ever, the love of our friends and family. Sometimes we find ourselves feeling guilty because we don’t have the capacity to send out a thank you note or return phone calls, but we know that is not the expectation of those that have reached out to us anyway. Thanks SO much for simply being present with us through this mess. It is knowing that you are with us in the pain that offers the most support.
– We know that this sucks. It hurts. It is confusing. It makes us think we did something wrong. It makes trying again really scary. It makes us aware of how precious life is. Right now, we need to live in that pain to fully experience the grief and move forward to the hope. We aren’t there yet, but we know it will come and that little Baby H wouldn’t want us to miss a moment of living life in exactly the way God created us to live it
Still praying for you guys and inspired by your willingness to grieve. Hang in there!
Your blog is such an inspiration of love, faith and unity.
I have experienced loss, perhaps more than any lifetime should be allotted. It has been a spiritual learning ground I have trudged though.
The loss of my sister this time last year seemed like one of the worst things I had lived through, yet as devastating and overwhelming as it was, I have not been defeated.
Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit saith the Lord.
The warmth, shelter and sanctuary of my family and friends have brought me back to life, but only after a time of deep grieving.
The endless questions of "why?" and "What could I have done?" haunted me until I talked about it until I couldn't talk anymore, cried about it as if nothing else mattered, wrote about the anger and resentments, prayed about it with all who would hold my hand. I spoke with her just the night before she took her young life, and praise God I could tell her I loved her, but the question remains, why wasn't that enough?
I didn't mean to blog your blog. I mean to share my experience, strength and hope because it is all I have to offer. I am inspired by you and love to read your words.
I am so sorry for your pain but I thank you for sharing your journey.
Together we walk this journey called life. I hope you and Jan know, we are always here for you. We are praying for you and loving you.
we love you guys and think of you both often!
My second child died minutes after an emergency C-section at 28 weeks. The disbelief is surreal and leaving the hospital without my baby in my arms is something that I will always carry in my heart.
However, at the time – and even now (years later) – I came to the understanding that our lives have 3parts. 1)The first 9 months or so tucked away in a quiet, peaceful, safe, comfortable world where you hear the muffled voices of those who love you and are looking forward to meeting you. 2)life here on earth once you're born 3) eternity.
My baby, and yours, lived, and are living, the best 2 out of the 3. The one they skipped is the one that is the most difficult. My little guy taught me not to fear crossing from here to there – he did it so peacefully and beautifully. I know I'll see him – and I'll know him when I get there. He'll come running up to me, he'll take my hand and say, "You're here! Let me show you around!!" It'll be SO sweet! The same is true for you.
I still think about how old he would be as his birthday rolls around and wonder what he would have looked like – my kids know they have a brother named Zachary and we talk about him now and then. You DO have a child – you are parents – and your baby will always be a part of your family.
Love to you…
Jodie (Sarah Horn's mom)
Wow, thanks for the insights, stories and care. Very grateful. Wild to hear all the common hurts and hopes we share.